Predictions – I has them. That is a shout-out to LOLcat-speak, which seems to be on a downturn, but perhaps not so much in Japan. My predictions here are for 2012, a grand year that may usher the end of civilization on Dec. 21^st, at least according to ancient Mesoamerican calendars and Nicholas Cage.

Off the bat, I feel emboldened to make one grade-A prediction: Facebook is here to stay.  It seems very much not unpopular. Not only has it single-handedly altered social behaviour, put the future of email in doubt and created a catalogue of opportunities for companies, but my wife got most of 2011’s happenings from her newsfeed. Everything from tsunamis and North Korea to Sarah’s birthday and Melissa currently dining at Lady Marmalade.

On to my big, bad and thoroughly un-insightful predictions for the last year we will live:

• Snowstorm on Valentine’s Day will upend flower delivery and leave scores of women bouquet-less. 
• CNN and FOX News will use dramatic intonation on a daily basis.
• The next U.S. president will be either black or white.
• Walt will get into some sticky business in Breaking Bad, the best show on television.
• Stories of hope will be unearthed from even more natural catastrophes.
• Area men will not escape the investigative reporters at The Onion.
• Social media will be widely used to report on typical seasonal variations in weather. (Ex. “Snow? Snow!” “April showers!” “Oh my god, so hot today!”)
• A vegetarian will unknowingly consume a meat product at a party and, while chewing, remark: “Oh my god, so good. I feel like I’ve had this before, but can’t put my finger on it!”
• An actor will apologize for a Twitter comment posted because smart phones don’t yet have breathalyser apps in order to turn on.
• Apple stores will teem with Internet access freeloaders.
• Each Monday I will learn of box office revenue from the previous two days.
• Novelists will descend en masse into the annals of folklore to find the next vampire.
• No Toronto team will contest for a sporting championship.
• I will be forced to seem as though I don’t care about the plight of sick children during charity drives at liquor store check-out counters even though I have donated three times already.
• My son Holden will string together his first-ever sentence. Money’s on: “Here, kitty kitty kitty.”
• Greece will defy logic and reality by continuing to, somehow, operate.
• My wife Jackie will grow impatient as I draft a fantasy sport team.
• A Toronto taxi driver with 12 years experience as a doctor outside Canada will finally graduate from the night shift to the daytime airport shift.
• Banal observations will continue to be broadcast by non-famous Twitter users.
• Sexual undertones will continue to flow through emergency rooms in hospitals, just like on TV.
•  I will finally get to a movie theatre.
•  Following on the success of Arab Spring, there will be a Mexican Autumn marked not by riots but by siestas.
•  Gordon Ramsay will continue to test the limits of his blood vessel lining.
•  The world’s best bands will be playing in a dimly-lit local bar.
•  “Go the F—- to Sleep” will not be the last deliciously profane bedtime story.
• Our appetites for tuna will finally put the species on the brink of extinction.
• Lobsters off the coast of Halifax will see how many friends they can fit in the caged elevator.
• The world’s most worn jingle will be sung by the billions. Happy Birthday to us all.
• After watching Entertainment Tonight you will ponder how they turned five photos and a few Tweets into a 30-minute news program.
• Anne Hathaway will purr and steal the hearts of nerds in the next Batman.
• New and improved reasons why your flight is delayed!
• We will not receive the homey wisdom of Andy Rooney.
• A pierogi dinner will be followed by six weeks of not wanting to see a pierogi.
• The Canon will continue to inspire people, 45-second average page views at a time.

 If you have any bold predictions, feel free to comment!

 See ya in 2012.