This got me to thinking. Time Magazine editors decided, as they have in recent years, to go mad with power and unleash a small army of year-end top-10 lists. This time: 54 toptens.

It got me to thinking that while 2011 approaches its final page, tis the season of topten lists. Every self-respecting media outlet and blog puts forth an assortment of lists on a flurry of subjects. Some of them, not mentioning any names, publish over four dozen of them.

So gather up some gingerbread, pour a stiff eggnog and read The Canon’s inaugural topten list. It comes to you in traditional descending order so as to preserve the climax as long as numerically possible.

                 The Top 10 Reasons Why Media Love Topten Lists

#10: A Potent Need for Order

Neat and tidy, the topten is void of clutter – unlike the minds of desks of journalists. The topten’s intrinsic sense of order allows them a calming, soothing feeling not unlike a hot stone massage.

#9: Perfect Structure

A properly-told story contains a beginning, middle and end (sometimes out of order). Long magazine articles need “nutgraphs” around which the story is thematically linked. A topten list, though, has a foolproof structure. It begins at 10 but sometimes one, reaches its middle at five, before ending at one but sometimes 10. Its nutgraph, its thematic purpose, is perhaps eight.

#8: Languorousness

We’re burnt out by year end – you know, that fake human creation that a predetermined period of time has passed, signalling the end of something, the start of another, and a reason for us all to announce that we are burnt out. Journalists are sometimes lazy and all the time procrastinators. A topten is the rabbit hole into which they eagerly stumble.

#7: Seems Authoritative

Want to sound like you know what you’re talking about? Perform a topten! Pick a topic, grab some timely items, some well-know items, toss in a few obscure items and you are totally decisive. You are the absolute authority on the subject of, say, the top trends in condiments for the year.

#6: No Heartburn

These lists go down easy. Like chamomile tea. Or Bailey’s. This ease-of-digestion permits idle readers to quickly gulp down a “story.” Heck they don’t even need to read the descriptive paragraph half the time, they can just glance at the headings. Unless it is too ambiguous, of course. Then, hi!, you have to read more.

#5: Suspense

A topten is like Hitchcock, or an M. Night Shyamalan movie pre-Lady in the Water. How so? Sure, less murder but there is just as much suspense. What could be number three? Two? One!! A good topten should deliver a jolt of desperate suspense, which is what everyone deep down wants. Except people like my wife Jackie who can’t handle surprises.

#4: Like Butter

Media outlets love toptens because in our current digital social stratosphere, we are collectively addicted to sharing. Which, of course, flies in the face of basic human instinct, but that’s a different story. A good topten will be read, liked, shared, retweeted, and will thus spread – like butter – through cyberspace on the backs of readers who feel like they have discovered something special.

#3: Insert Highly Questionable One Here

Somewhere in a topten there will be a highly debatable one, dubious to the core, strategically implanted to ignite passionate outbursts of fury. Or furious outbursts. If you find yourself saying, “That is bullshit!!!”, it is because you are meant to say that. And frankly, that is your opinion sir! Toptens can be as wrong as the weatherman for all media outlets care. May as well spike the topten punch with a little controversy, keep ‘em reading.

#2: The Magic of Descending Numbers

It is human nature to be paralyzed with pleasure during a countdown. In fact there is a band called Human Nature that wrote a melody called “Counting Down.” Consider our near-spiritual observance of descending numbers. Flute in hand on New Year’s Eve! Launching shuttles into space! Sporting events! (Forget soccer.) Music videos! The 12 Days of Christmas! Prisoners counting down days to their release using chalk on the wall! The British gameshow “Countdown”! Teachers counting down the days to summer break… three months in advance!

#1: We F!#^ing Love Them

None of us can handle the pull of a topten. Captivating as a car crash. That’s why I’ve read three-quarters of Time Magazine’s 54. That’s why I will always read the top-100 albums of the year. It’s ten toptens in one! Come on, say you don’t love a topten list, I dare you. Say it in a church. You can’t, can you?

Bonus: Top-10 Reasons It’s Taken Me a Month to Update The Canon:

10. Holden. 9. Boardwalk Empire. 8. The onset of wintry conditions. 7. General apathy. 6. Kilkenny. 5. Holden. 4. Hey, look over there! 3. National Pomegranate Month (November). 2. Holden. 1. Cat needed fed.